Always

Rating: PG 13

Disclaimer: I own no one and nothing, especially the characters in this story. I'm merely borrowing them for the pure pleasure of messing with their lives.

Written by Belle_Joy

Pairings: Buffy and Xander

It was night, and as always Buffy walked down the street, alone. Normally she would be looking to fight vampires, but tonight she had other thoughts on her mind.  She glanced to her right and to her left, thinking she heard something, but everywhere she turned she saw nothing.

She began to relax, delving into her thoughts.

There is nothing here for me.  No one person to hold me to this world. I know I am the Slayer. I know that I might be able to exist on any of the many plans of existence. I don’t really belong in one world or another. Maybe though there is a higher purpose. I know I moved to Sunnydale for a reason, I mean other than to kill The Master. I could have left at any stage, and yet I am constantly drawn back here. There has to be a reason. There has to be something I am missing.

She paced some more. A vampire walked past her but she ignored him. She was far too caught up in her own thoughts. She began wringing her hands in frustration.

 There was more to this life than fighting, than hurting, than being scared. I need more. I want more. I want someone to love me. Some one to want me for everything that I am, the Slayer, the girl, the woman. I really need to get out of this rut. I should be getting on with my life. I should leave. There is nothing for me here now. Dawn is in Spain with Dad, Giles is in England, all my friends are growing up.

Buffy shook her head, trying to clear her mind of the thoughts that plagued her. This was not the time to be caught up in her own problems. Yes, she was thinking of them because Xander was getting married tomorrow. Xander was getting married tomorrow. There is a sentence she never thought she would say. Never mind, she figured she could drown herself in her problems after the wedding.

Xander smile at the woman beside him. She was beautiful. She was the one for him, the one he wanted to be with forever. At least that is how he felt right now looking at her being silent next to him. There was a time when he thought his life was going to be much different. A time when he believed he and another girl were destined. However, all that changed. Then he met Anya. They didn’t get along all that well in the beginning. She mostly drove him insane. What with her rambling and rudeness. But now he had come to love her ways. She was unique. His Anya. He ran his hand through her hair and when she looked up at him he took her face in his hands and kissed her lightly.

Xander: You know I love you right?

Anya: Yes.

Xander: Ok, just checking.

Xander knew that tomorrow was going to change his life forever; however he didn’t seem to care much. Not about the change anyway, he figured he could handle it. He could be with her for the rest of his life. Forever.

Xander: Wow

Anya: Huh, what’s that?

Xander: Nothing.

Forever was a long time, a very very long time. Things can change in that space of time. I mean what is the likelihood of finding a person that you are meant to be with for all that time? People grow and evolve their whole lives. The chance that you’re going to grow and evolve at the same rate as someone else is tiny. Is it even worth the effort? Don’t be silly, he thought to himself, of course Anya was the girl for him, they had been together for nearly 3 years now, and he figured it was time he made a real commitment to her. Well, that was the honourable thing to do right?

Buffy looked at her dress in the mirror, she was supposed to be one of Anya’s bridesmaids. The dress was a wonderful apricot satin, narrow bodice and skirt with a lovely white bow gathering it in at the waist. Buffy turned circles in front of the mirror. She liked when she looked like this. She very rarely got to dress up; she was so used to seeing herself in slay gear that dresses were foreign to her. She sighed happily at her reflection then left the room to go and find the other bridesmaids.

Willow and Tara were in the room opposite Buffy’s. They too were getting dressed. They seemed to be having a dilemma with the dresses though, as neither of them liked the style, colour, or basically anything.

Willow: Trust Anya to pick these horrid dresses.

Tara: I-I-I think they are nice.

Willow: Oh you do not. You are just saying that because you are too kind.

Tara: Well, it is her wedding sweetie, we should be supportive.

Willow: Anya. Humph.

Tara gave her girlfriend a hug of support. She knew it was hard for Willow to see her friend getting married. Mostly because she had once loved Xander, and having known him her life, she felt that no one was good enough for him. Especially a 1000 year old ex-demon.

Tara smiled over Willow’s shoulder and motioned for Buffy to enter the room when she saw her peek around the door.

Buffy: Hey guys

Tara and Willow broke their hug and Willow threw herself into Buffy’s arms crying. Buffy was slightly taken back and gave Tara a concerned look.

Tara (smiling slightly): Xander’s getting married.

Buffy: Yeah, that’s kinda why I’m here.

Tara: No, Willow is sad, she misses him, and she worries.

Willow: He’s marrying Anya.

Buffy: Also kinda why I am here.

Willow: Anya

Buffy takes a step back and looks Willow in the eye.

Buffy: Will, it’s not up to us to condemn him for being with her. He loves her. She loves him. It’s a wonderful thing.

Willow: I know, but I mean, he is so grown up. I mean its Xander.

Buffy giggled at her friends pained expression. Then she again took her in an embrace and smiled at Tara.

Buffy: It’s ok Will; we all have to grow up. I mean look at you, you have Tara.

Tara: Yeah.

Buffy: And we all have each other. Xander included. It’ll all be ok.

Willow once again pulls herself from Buffy’s arms and smiles.

Willow: You’re right. I am grown up. He’s not leaving me; we are growing and changing together. It’s all going to be fine.

Tara: That’s my girl.

Buffy: Glad I could help guys. But I really just came in to see how you were going with getting dressed. Need any help?

Tara: No thanks Buffy. We’ve got it.

Willow (teary eyed again): The dresses.

Buffy: And on that note I’m leaving. You got this right Tara?

Tara nodded at Buffy as she rolled her eyes and scooped Willow into another hug. Buffy smiled at the couple and left the room quietly.

Buffy found herself walking alone again, left to ponder her own thoughts.

Maybe Willow was right. Perhaps Xander was leaving them. Maybe that’s all that happened in my life. People leave. Angel left. Riley left. Her mother died. Her father got custody of Dawn. Giles left. Now maybe it was Xander’s turn. I really don’t want to lose him. He might have no significant fighting skills or research skills, or skills of any kind really. But he’s my heart. He keeps me feeling, keeps her alive. Maybe it’s him that keeps me grounded to this plane? Perhaps it was Xander that I am staying for? Maybe not in a “being in love with him” way, but maybe I needed him. What if in marrying Anya he abandons me? What if I am left with no one? What if I am all alone? Right now I have them; my friends, the Scooby Gang, but slowly surely they are all leaving me. Maybe that is my lot in life, to help people move on past me, leave me behind.

Buffy straightened up as she passed a mirror. She looked at herself directly in the eyes. Aloud she said,

Buffy: No way, not this time. They are –not- going to leave me first. If anything –I- will be leaving them. I can not go through this pain and hurt every time one of my friend’s think they have what they need from me. No, that’s it! I have decided, after this final duty, I am leaving. Sunnydale, my friends, everything.

With that, she straightened once more and carried on down the hallway to the room in which Xander was preparing.

Carefully Buffy knocked on the door to Xander’s room. She heard him call a “Come In” and pushed the door open with a squeak.

Buffy: Hey how’s my favourite groom going?

Xander: Nervous as hell. Is that normal?

Buffy (giggling): Sure, it’s normal. Wanna talk about it?

Xander: Would you mind? I mean it’s a lot. So you know, it could get really deep, I dunno, maybe it’s not a great idea, perhaps….

Buffy (interrupting): Xand. Just tell me already!

Xander looked at Buffy; he saw her need to talk to him in her eyes. He also spied something else, but he was too concerned with himself right now to ask. He motioned for her to join him at the table under the window. Buffy sat opposite him and placed one of her hands on his, urging him to continue.

Xander (in one breath): Ok, it’s like this, I am gonna marry Anya, and it’s not that which worried me. It’s the change, I mean; my life is going to change. I didn’t think it worried me. I really didn’t. But what if it changes too much? What if I am not the guy I used to be? What if I turn into a crusty old guy, and Anya and I fight? What if I can’t help you any more? It’s all so unclear, it’s all so scary, it’s all so damn frustrating. (Laughs) These are probably thoughts I should have had –way- before my wedding day, like you know, before I proposed.

Buffy just stared at him for a moment, waiting to see if he had anything more to add. When she was convinced he was done she opened her mouth to speak.

Buffy: Xander, that’s what life is. Life is full of not knowing. Of learning as we go. Sometimes we go so far ahead we lose the past, we lose who we were. That is ok though, moving on makes us human. It makes us live. There is nothing wrong with you being scared about Anya. There is nothing wrong with you being scared about your future. Just be sure, be sure that it’s what you want to do right now. Right this moment. Because when we live our lives on a hell-mouth all we have is right now.

Xander had been staring at the table during Buffy’s speech. Trying to take it all in, trying to listen to what she had to say. It was a tough choice. Was this what he wanted at this moment? If it was why was he so scared? She said it was normal, but was it? Perhaps there is something else that could be done? He needed time to think.

Xander: Thanks Buff. You are my rock. I needed to hear that stuff, but right now I need a moment to think. Do you mind if I get dressed alone?

Buffy: Anything you need. Remember I will always love you.

At that Buffy got up, gave Xander a quick hug and left the room. Once outside she leaned against the door frame and let out the breath she had been holding. She was feeling guilty because she knew that she was going to leave. She knew things would never be the same again, but she couldn’t tell Xander that. He had to sort things out for himself.

Xander paced around the room while he tied his neck tie. He was deep in thought, musing over the things Buffy had said to him. He had so much to think about.

Ok, so I need to decide what I want right now. Buffy’s right this is the hell-mouth after all. Ok, so thinking. Do I love Anya? Good question. I think I do. Is that good enough? Ok, how about this, why am I marrying her? Because we have been together for so long and it’s the next step? Or is it because I love her? Why wouldn’t I love her? Is it anything to do with the way she is? Do I love the way she is?

Xander moved from doing his tie to putting on his shoes while he decided to answer some of those questions.

Ok, yes I do love Anya. Why am I marrying her? Well that’s easy, it –is- because it’s the done thing. It has really little to do with love. Now about the way that she is, I don’t mind all that. Sure it gets annoying, but it’s not really a big deal. Ok, so I guess the next question is how much do I love her? Let me see.

At this question Xander stopped his pacing and stood staring at himself in the mirror. He looked himself up and down. He admired how nice he looked in his tux. Then he let that thought slip as he stood thinking of his bride. He mentally counted reasons to marry her off in his brain. Then reasons not to. His reason to list was a lot longer, but it was missing one vital point. Love. Sure he loved Anya, but that was not the reason that he was marrying her. He wasn’t –in- love with her. He wasn’t sure if there was a reason for that. He knew that it had nothing to do with –her- more to do with him. He had to tell her. She was going to hate him. He hung his head in shame then moved over to the dresser and slowly began to remove his tux.

Anya was sitting on the end of her bed with her head in her hands. She was so nervous, more nervous than she had even been before. This was interesting seeing as she had lived such a long time. Slowly she lifted her head and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She held her breath when she saw how she looked in her wedding dress. She loved it. She had never looked so beautiful in all her life.

She heard the door handle rattle and slowly rose from the bed to open it. Her faced dropped when she saw it was Xander and he was not dressed. Without a word she motioned for him to enter. He closed the door behind him asked her to sit on the bed. While he paced the room looking at his hands.

Xander: Anya, I have something I need to tell you.

Anya: You’re not marrying me are you?

Xander (surprised): Umm, well it’s more than that.

Anya: You don’t love me.

Xander: I am not –in- love with you no.

Anya: I know

Xander: What do you mean “you know”?

Anya: I was hoping you wouldn’t figure it out. You are a great guy Xander, you really are. You have taught me so much about life, myself and love. But I knew you were never really mine.

Xander: How could you have known this when I just figured it out myself?

Anya: I’m over 1000 years old Xander, I have seen a few things in my lifetime.

Xander: Oh. I’m sorry

Anya: Don’t be. It’s me that should be sorry. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.

Xander: Why did you?

Anya: I had no one. You let me into your life, and for once I was welcome. I was human, and scared. You were kind to me. I guess I didn’t want to let that go. I was selfish.

Xander: No. Well yes. But no. We both were, we both were playing. At least it’s over now.

Anya: I guess. So what happens now?

Xander: Can we still be friends?

Anya: I don’t think so. I don’t think I could look at you any more, not without feeling this hurt.

Xander: I understand.

They looked at each other for a while. Then Anya looked down at her hands. The silence was deafening. Anya had tears in her eyes, and it took all Xander was not to take her in his arms and hold her. Finally she looked up. Xander could feel Anya wanted to say more. He waited for her to continue. She dried her face with her hands and spoke.

Anya: Well you had better hurry then.

Xander: Hurry to what?

Anya: Buffy

Xander: Buffy?

Anya: You know the reason you aren’t –in- love with me Xander? It’s because you are in love with her. I could sense it when I first met you and I can sense it every time you are near her.

Xander: Well I don’t know.

Anya (exasperated): Don’t be a fool. You two need each other. Why do you think she keeps coming back here when there is nothing for her? She wants to, but she afraid. She is petrified that you are going to leave her.

Xander: Now why would I go and do that?

Anya (sadly): Because every body else did.

Xander looks at his ex. She was right; he was in love with Buffy. He always had been. He wasn’t too sure that she was in love with him though.  Was it worth the risk? The Slayers words came back to him. “all we have is right now” Buffy was right, as was Anya. This was not the time to be foolish. He needed to do something and something fast.

A grin spread across his face and Anya knew that he had made his choice. She smile back at him then moved up wards and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Anya: Bye Xander.

With that Anya gently pushed him out the door and closed it behind him. She turned and slowly began to take her wedding dress off, tears streaming her face.

Xander looked at the closed door for a few minutes before he turned and ran down the hallway with a huge smile on his face.

Buffy was talking with a few of Anya’s demon guests. She was trying to direct them to sit, but they were having a problem with Xander’s relatives. As calmly as she could she explained to them that it was only seating and for a short time at that. Plus she added if they didn’t sit she could quite easily convince them too. Mumbling under there breath, the demons finally sat where Buffy had instructed them.

Willow came up to greet Buffy, she seemed a lot calmer then when she was getting dressed. Buffy reached out and gave her friend a quick squeeze. Closing her eyes at the thought that this might be the last time she was to see her. She was still keeping her decision to leave a secret. She figured that is was pointless to ruin Xander’s day with bad news. But she had also decided that once everybody was seated, she was going to leave. She couldn’t bear to Xander marry Anya. She just didn’t want to see that.

Xander reached the hall and peered around the doorway. He saw Buffy and Willow sharing a hug and smiled to himself. His two girls. The two women he loved more than anything in the world. He really was a lucky man. He turned his head to the hallway as he heard someone call his name. he answered their question on where the bar was and then turned back to face Buffy and Willow. However in this time he saw that Buffy had gone and only Willow was left standing directing the guests. In a small state of panic, Xander rushed up to Willow.

Xander: Hey Will, Buffy was just here, where did she go?

Willow: Umm, well, she said she had some stuff to take care of. I told her that I would finish seating the guests.

Xander: Do you know where about this “stuff” she had to do is?

Willow: No not really.

Xander looked away from Willow, his eyes darting all around the room in search for the Slayer.

Willow (interrupting): Xander?

Xander: Yeah?

Willow: You’re tux?

Xander: Long story. I am not marrying Anya. I love Buffy. I gotta find her.

With that Xander ran off leaving a very stunned Willow in his wake.

Tara approached Willow, having witnessed the exchange and also noticing Xander’s lack of a tuxedo.

Tara: Willow, are you ok?

Willow: He loves Buffy.

Tara: P-P-Pardon?

Willow (smiling): Xander loves Buffy. He said it. He said it.

Tara: Ok, but he is marrying Anya.

Willow: No he’s not. He loves Buffy.

The girls looked at each other and Tara understood. Xander had always loved Buffy. Deep down inside everybody knew it. Now it was time that Xander told her. Tara was proud; the Scooby family really was growing up. Tara helped Willow to the front of the crowd to inform the guests of the break up.

Xander headed straight for Buffy’s house that being the only place he could think to look for her right now. However on the way there he spied a small blonde woman sitting on a swing in the park. He decided to sneak up behind her. Slowly he began to push her on the swing. She turned to look at him. Her expression changed from shock, to scared, to a smile.

Xander: Hey there my Buffster. Wouldn’t be running out on my wedding would ya?

Buffy: Seems like you are too.

Xander: So where are ya going in such a pretty dress?

Buffy: I really didn’t have a “somewhere”

Xander: But you were leaving?

Buffy: Yeah I really was. I don’t know why, I got this far then I stopped.

Xander: Funny that. Do you mind telling me why you were going?

Buffy looked back up at Xander, he was smiling at her. He was so goofy she caught herself thinking. She looked back down at the sand, kicking it as her feet swung.

Buffy: I am sure you don’t want to hear. You have more important things today.

Xander frowned down at the back of the Slayer’s head. She had to understand that she was the most important thing in his life. He moved around to the front of her. Placing his hands on her knees as to stop her swinging, he looked her in the eye.

Xander: There is –nothing- more important than you.

Buffy smiled at him.

Buffy: Ok. I was scared. I was scared that with you marrying Anya, another one of my friends wouldn’t need me. That I would be hurt. Again. (looking up at him) every one I love leaves. Angel, Riley, Mum, Dawn, Giles. It’s a lot for one girl to handle. Slayer or no Slayer. I couldn’t handle the thought of you leaving too.

Xander: I’m not leaving. And besides, you’ll always have Willow.

Buffy: Willow has Tara. Willow is strong, so strong, and I don’t mean magic wise. She never needed me. Not the way that you do. She was always so brave and good beneath that faltering façade. You, well you always needed a bit of a hand.

Xander (down hearted): So you stayed all these times because I was weak? Is that it?

Buffy (sighing): You know I thought so. I told myself over and over again. But that’s not why. It’s not even close. I’m not worried about leaving Willow because I don’t –need- her, as harsh as that sounds. I was heartbroken when Angel left, I needed him Xander. I needed him for so many things. He took my heart and smashed it into a million pieces. Then with Riley, I held him at bay, I needed him too, I just didn’t want to tell him. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

Xander (peering): What are you trying to say?

Buffy (looking straight at him): I am saying I need you Xander. I need you more than any other person in this world. I never want you to leave me. I, well, I Love You.

Buffy hung her head after she had finished her speech. She didn’t get to see Xander stand up and beam his wonderful smile at her. She was ashamed. She had ruined his day. Then she felt his arms around her waist, lifting her upwards and onto her feet. He pushed her chin upwards so that her face was looking directly at him.

Xander: Well, that’s all you had to say.

And with that he kissed her. Soft, gentle, and full of love. Buffy kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. Slowly he ended the kiss and pulled away. He smiled down at her.

Xander: I Love you too.

Buffy (confused): Anya?

Xander: No Anya. I talked to her. She knew. I Love You Buffy Summers. I am never going to leave you.

Buffy (smiling): And I will never leave you Xander Harris. Always.

  THE END